Almost 3 years later???

I've cried many tears this morning reading over this blog. A blog I started back in 2009 when Lexi and I were living our summer in Haiti.  The date of my last blog post stops me in my tracks, forces me to wipe away my tears and somehow move forward.  I wrote this just a couple of days before the earthquake hit Haiti.  It felt sometimes like my life came crashing down with that earthquake. My heart was ripped out in so many ways and I was affected so deeply. I kept meaning to come back. To continue this blog ... to keep posting and keep sharing all I was feeling, experiencing .... yet I could never do it. I could never bring myself back here and now it is nearly 3 years later and I actually stumble upon my blog accidentally in signing up to follow someone else's.  Was it meant to be that I end up here? Will anyone even see this or care to read it or be a part of our journey again? Does it matter? Could I be back here again just for me?

Emilee. My precious Emilee. My Haitian daughter. Dourison. My Haitian lil man.  My son. In June of 2010, the adoption of Dourison fell through.  He was the reason I considered and felt led to adopting in the first place. I had been working closely with Heartline Ministries, stateside helping them get doctors and nurses and any help possible down to Haiti ... but I hadn't gone myself. I worked on this end from mid-January until I was able to go myself back to Haiti in May to be with my precious children. Dourison's dad decided then that it was not okay for me to adopt him. He didn't want him and to this day has yet to even go visit him in the orphanage, but has continued to refuse the adoption. It is a long heart-wrenching story that I am not completely ready to share right now ... but I went back again a month later (June 2010) and was forced to say goodbye to the idea of bringing my son home.  My heart still breaks each and every day. I bought a home - he had a bedroom ready for him .... the list is so long.

Saying goodbye to Dourison in June 2010

Visiting my sweet boy in June 2011

Sometimes, there just aren't words. I tried to get both of my children out on humanitarian parole after the earthquake. After months and months of trying, we were turned down and I had to start the entire adoption process again from scratch.  My Emilee was 2 when we met.

Emilee turned five in November....

I was there last to see her with Lexi this past May ... one of many trips since the adoption began.  She and Lexi bonded all over again and Lexi can't wait to bring her little sister home after years of wondering when the time would come ...

Most people don't ask anymore. It's rare I see someone and they ask about Emilee or the adoption in any way. Many times when I have brought it up, people have told me they were afraid to ask because they just assumed it fell through because it has taken so long. Many people have forgotten or put it so far back in their minds. But to us, it is more real every day. Our hearts hurt more and more each day that she is not home with us. This sweet little girl has waited 3 years for her mama to come back and take her to her forever home and it's heartbreaking to only visit a few times a year and be updated with photos of my precious daughter ... instead of having her in my arms.

We are currently in MOI. This is where we get permission to print her passport. Once we have her passport, we wait for approval of another document, usually a couple weeks and then get a visa appointment. She comes home after that .... so once out of MOI, it is likely we are looking at 4-5 weeks until she is home. I don't hold my breath - but I hold hope that she will be home with us in January.  My heart aches to have another Christmas without her. It wasn't supposed to be this way.

Praying a month from now that I will be posting we're on our way to bring her home.

Blessings to any of you who took the time to read this ...

Names and Personalities

I have to admit, every time I see a show or ad on television that shows pictures of children in a third world country, my heart hurts. I get tears in my eyes immediately and wish that I could rescue each and every one of them from their pain and struggles. I can't. The thing that affects me most as I look at these photographs, is that I have a whole orphanage full of children in Haiti whose faces I not only know, but whose names, personalities and quirks I am familiar with. Each time I look into the eyes of those children on television, I am reminded of one or more children at the orphanage in Bercy. They aren't just anonymous faces to me, but they are individules I have come to know and love. And every photo you see on television or in magazines, has a name, a story ...


This is Wanna. Wanna is an absolutely gorgeous little girl who loves, more than anything, to pose for photos. She is outgoing and fun, she LOVES to sing and will always do so on command. Wanna is spunky and silly and is always within a few feet of any American who comes to the orphanage. Her favorite day is Sunday because she gets to go to church and then to the beach. The incredible joy she has inside of her comes out in her singing, in her playing in the water and with the smaller children, and in her beautiful smile. Wanna loves to teach me how to speak her language and we have spent a lot of time in the wee morning hours before many of the children are awake, singing songs together and telling each other how you say this or that in Creole and in English. She repeats phrases I say and practices, she wants to say them correctly. She loves to be read to and will sit with you for hours and color. At the same time, put a pair of roller skates on her and watch her go! She and Lexi even managed to dance on roller skates quite often this past summer!

If I could choose a middle name for Wanna, it would definately be JOY ... The joy of the Lord is her strength!

Meet Roudfaelle. Of all the children that I have gotten to know over the last 3 years at the orphanage, I think Roudfaelle is one that has changed the most. When I first met her, she was one of the "little ones" ... she just wanted to be held and loved. A year later, when I returned, Roudfaelle seemed so quiet and withdrawn to me. She didn't like to play much with the other children and always seemed to be on the sidelines. I kept talking to Lexi (this was summer of 08) and telling her to pay extra attention to her, to involve her in what she and the kids were doing. And she would ... but she was still pretty quiet and withdrawn for the most part. A few months later, when I returned to Haiti for a short stay, Roudfaelle remembered me immediately and seemed pretty connected and comfortable about me and moreso with the others as well. And then we come to this past summer. Roudfaelle has grown into an absolutely gorgeous girl ... who is fun and energetic and always has a smile on her face. She has gotten a little spunk in her and is always with a group of children. What a beautiful thing to see. I miss this face!

Here is Nalda. Lexi calls her the "little stinker." She's beautiful and is another one who loves to sing. She is TINY and looks much younger than she is. She always wants gum and could spend days watching me blow bubbles. She has been known to take the gum right out of my mouth and chew it for herself. Nalda likes to get her way ... and will shove most anyone out of her way to get it. At the same time, she is sweet and tender and loves to sit on your lap and just "be." Nalda was one of the first to start calling me "Mama Shelly" this summer ... and I loved every second of it.

This is Mackenson. There are 2 boys with this name at the orphanage, so they are commonly known and Big Mackenson and Little Mackenson. To me, this is quite funny because Big Mackenson is very very little for his age and I think Little Mackinson is going to pass up his size in no time. This summer, I shortened it and called them Big Mac and Little Mac. Little Mac is Roudfaelle's little brother. He is as sweet as they come and you rarely see him without a thumb in his mouth. Whenever I would get into a project of some sort, he liked to sit or stand or even lie beside me ... just to be close. In November of 08 on a short trip down, my friend Kristie and I organized all of the clothing in the storage room one day and Baby Mac stayed in there with us for hours. Talking a little to himself, playing with a water bottle, and mostly just watching us and feeling close. He's a joy to be around and I miss his little arm around my leg, just letting me know that he is there.

So many more names and faces ... personalities and quirks ... so many background stories that tear your heart apart. I can't share many of their stories in detail, at least not with names, in order to protect them and not to embarrass or hurt them in any way. But just as they all have names and personalities, they individually have difficult stories, things in their past that caused them to be a part of this orphanage. I thank God that they were saved from many tough situations, several from near death, and brought somewhere that they become part of a family and learn about Jesus ...

Nothing matters more.

My sweet little boy Jerry ...

This little guy has been on my heart ever since we left Haiti in August. I pray for him on a regular basis, but today for some reason, he is weighing heavily on me and I would like to ask you to pray for him as you go about your day and your Christmas planning. Jerry is 10 years old and quite a bit smaller than Lexi. He has a precious, precious heart and is a kid anyone could fall in love with at the drop of a hat. He has meant a lot to me since I first started coming to Haiti, but he affected me so deeply on our trip this summer. Jerry is very smart. He speaks English incredibly well and ALWAYS has a smile on his face. A big, beautiful smile. Last summer when Lexi and I were at the orphanage for a much shorter time, he touched us most when we were leaving. He was standing beside me as we were hugging all of the children goodbye on loving on them for our last few minutes. As I started to walk toward the truck, he grabbed ahold of my leg and wrapped his little self around me. He looked up at me with his gorgeous big eyes and said "Shelly, you no go." I dropped all my belongings and stayed another week. HA! Not really, but I sure could have. Lexi has used this phrase MANY times since to make me smile, or cry, depending on the moment.

During our summer in Bercy, Jerry fell off of a bike and broke his arm. Not a little, simple break ... but rather serious. He broke it right near the elbow and was in A LOT of pain that afternoon. As my friend Cheryl got him new clothes and a bagful of things to bring along to the hospital, I picked Jerry up and loaded ourselves into the truck. He held me tightly with his other arm and was sobbing the entire way to Doctors without Borders, a free and wonderful ministry that has helped so many. We arrived and they would not let my translator come in with me, only ONE person per patient. SERIOUSLY??? I tried no to freak out on the outside, but inside, I certainly was. God, help me! I can't do this alone! Being there was one of the most difficult moments for me in Haiti all summer. Seeing all of those around us suffering : A woman in the bed next to Jerry's had been beaten badly by her husband. Two children, each in seperate beds (I believe that they were brothers) were terribly burned and in so much pain AND ALONE. It was heartbreaking and terrifying and I can't get the pictures out of my mind sometimes. We were there for what seemed like forever before anyone saw us and then we were informed that aside from wrapping it and giving him some meds, they could do nothing. We had to go see a surgeon the next day. I must pause the story here and share with you that we had quite a language barrier here. As I mentioned, they wouldn't let my translator come inside. The doctor we had spoke only Creole. The nurse spoke only English. I speak only English and perhaps 10 Creole words at that point. Jerry speaks both, but is in pain and now on meds and unable to help a whole lot ... amidst the struggle and frustration, another nurse came up and began to speak to me in Creole ... I tried to inform her that I didn't speak Creole, when she said a word that I recognized as it sounded Spanish ... and that was an AHA moment for us both. She was fluent in Spanish and well, I can get by. God helped me that day in an amazing way. I know quite a bit of Spanish, yet how would I understand medical terminology, etc?? I did! I understood 100% of what they were saying to me and had NO PROBLEMS communicating once we reached our "common" language. Amazing stuff.

Back to my little buddie, Jerry. We took him back to the orphanage that evening and set up a bed for him in our room so that I could keep close tabs on him. Believe me, this was a treat and he was THRILLED beyond measure. Lexi thought it was pretty cool too. That next morning, we took him to a wonderful hospital in Port Au Prince called Sacred Heart, where we met an incredible surgeon who put two pins into Jerry's arm. He was a trooper and did great. 99.9% of the people in Haiti never have an opportunity such as this ... to go into Port and get the best surgeon in the best hospital for their child. The surgery was nearly $2000 US currency and that is UNHEARD of in Haiti. I counted my blessings a million times over every second we were in that light amidst the darkness. Jerry was able to come "home" the very next day and of course, gained a whole lot of attention from the rest of the children. He became rather comfortable having his own little bed in our room, so we let that continue for another week or so. He became a part of our little family for sure. As the days continued, he felt great and the "old" Jerry was definately back. Talking, laughing, being silly ... and loving to be around me constantly. He ate many meals upstairs with us and truly received the royal treatment. :) Okay, so he was spoiled rotten for quite a while there.

When it came time for Lexi and I to return to the states, it was a VERY difficult time for us and for the children. We had to leave a bit earlier than we had planned and this took the kids by shock ... as well as Lexi and I. The morning we were heading to Florida, we were hugging and loving and trying our best to convince the children how much we loved and cared for them even though we had to go away FOR NOW ... and I couldn't find Jerry anywhere. Finally I found him, alone, around the corner out the front of the orphanage. He was standing against the wall with a rather serious pout on his face. I asked him to come give me a hug and he took off running the other way. It took a little bit, but I was able to chase him down and grab him in a hug from behind. I told him that I loved him very much. He looked at me through tears and said, "I don't love you."

Talk about tearing your heart in two. I have never shared that with anyone (so of course I choose to write it for whomever to see) but those words ripped me apart. Of course, I realize where he was coming from, I know it was his sadness and hurt and fears talking ... I know all of that, but my heart still says that I should have somehow managed to stick him into my suitcase and bring him home with me. I think about this precious little boy every day and those words STILL ring in my ears and bring tears to my eyes as I think about our time in Haiti.

Dear Father, hold Jerry close to you today. Let him feel Your love and Your presence in a way that he has never felt it before. I know you have huge plans for this little guy and I know that in Your arms, he is safe. I know beyond a shadow of doubt that Jerry knows and loves you and I praise you and thank you for that. I pray that He continues to seek you as he grows and experiences so much more in his life. I pray that someday, he will be used so greatly for You and that his talents and abilities take him so much farther than what the circumstances say for him right now. Thank you Lord for taking care of him for me and for loving him even more than I ever could. Thank you for the precious honor ... for allowing me such awesome time with him and all of the other children and I look forward to seeing him and the rest of our precious little ones again SOON.

AMEN!

Happy Thanksgiving

This year, I have so much to be thankful for. To try to make a list would be crazy -- as the list seems endless right now.


We have been blessed beyond measure and are settling into our new home nicely. It is so hard to believe that we've only been in for 3 weeks now. It has definately become home to us quickly and I can't even begin to tell you how many incredible deals I have found and clearance items that have jumped in front of me to make decorating this house a snap! As I finish painting this week and look forward to celebrating Thanksgiving, something very important is missing and my heart hurts.


I so long to have my precious little Haitian children sitting beside me at the dinner table tomorrow. I so wish they were here and that we weren't missing one more day of their lives. It is very difficult to know their situation ... and to be unable to do anything about it right now. Tomorrow, they will truly be missed as we celebrate all of God's blessings. YET -- they are certainly 2 of the biggest blessings of all. We are so fortunate to know them already, to have a close relationship with them ... To know that God chose them for us, and us for them. For that I am SO thankful -- so grateful.


So this Thanksgiving, I celebrate my children: Alexis Kathleen (8), Dourison Elijah (2.5), and Emily Grace (2.5). What incredibly precious gifts they are to me. What an honor it is to have been chosen to be their mother. I AM BLESSED BEYOND MEASURE.

EMILY

ALEXIS and DOURISON

At Sunrise ...

This morning, I woke up to a sunrise that looked nothing like this. It was actually 6:15 am as I was leaving my overnight shift and the moon was shining, partially covered, and gorgeous. My thoughts went immediately back to this past summer, as many mornings were spent sitting on the back stairs at the orphanage waiting for the sun to rise. I enjoyed those quiet mornings before the kids woke for the day, but there was nothing better than having one of them joining me by 6am to sing "Jesus Loves Me." I miss those sweet moments.

As I started my car, Phillips, Craig and Dean were singing, "You are amazing God ..." (on the radio, silly, they weren't in my car) and I just sat in the parking lot a few moments, thanking and praising Him and asking that He keep my babies safe another day in Haiti, as they were waking to a sunrise similar to the one you see above. I miss them with every fiber of my being some days. Today is one of them. I don't know why it comes and goes like it does, but it does. I think it is getting more difficult to be away from them lately because we are now in the home that we will bring them home to. I am in the process of putting bunk beds together for Lexi and Emily and have a little alphabet train set sitting on the dresser in Dourison's room that I can't wait to see him play with for the first time.

I don't even try to understand how things in Haiti work. In many areas, on many levels, I will never be able to comprehend the crazy things that go on there. It doesn't make sense to me that I can't just pay the money and take my babies home instead of having to go through all the rigamaroll of the process and allow years to go by while they are living day to day in an orphanage without a mom to hold and comfort and love on them. It kills me some days to think about it. I usually don't let myself think about it ... but that hasn't happened today, the thoughts keep returning. I am SO thankful for the time I was able to spend with both Emily and Dourison this summer and I will cherish it forever ... especially on days like this. I am so blessed by the fact that I already know the children I am adopting, so many don't have that privaledge. I am incredibly thrilled that Lexi not only knows them, but adores them and can't wait to have them here with us.

Emily is a lot like Lexi. She has a very fun personality and loves to sing and dance. This was the last photo I took of Emily before we left Haiti in August. Everytime I look at it, my heart aches and I want to hop on a plane and go pick her up. I miss her dearly. Lexi is finished playing with her Barbie dolls, and has been for quite some time now. When we were moving, she insisted on going through them all and choosing ones that she wanted to keep for Emily. She chose special dolls and certain outfits and kept her little house and cars because she can't wait to give them to her sister someday. She is thrilled that I am working on their bunkbed and picked out matching comforters for them both. She even chose bright pink ... and Lexi is not a pink sort-of kid!

Dourison's personality is quite a bit different than that of Lexi and Emily. He is very quiet and inquisitive. He is very tiny for his age and has the biggest, most gorgeous brown eyes ever. Lexi has so looked forward to having a baby brother and can't wait until he is here. Since we moved a week and a half ago, she has slept in Dourison's room because her bed isn't ready. She has a big trainset downstairs that she can't wait to share with him and says that he will probably let her play with the alphabet one too. Dourison loves to be held and cuddled and Lexi (and I) was all about that this summer. Once you get to know him, he is SO much fun. He loves playing with cars and trucks and you can really get him laughing and see his full personality when you goof around with him. I can't wait to have my precious boy back in my arms.

The next time we see our babies in Haiti, they will be 3 years old ... we pray that we will get to go back again after that and take them home with us before they turn 4. God has it all worked out and we know beyond a shadow of doubt that we want to be in His will and trust His perfect timing ... no matter when I think we should have them! Tomorrow morning when I wake to the moon shining brightly again, and picture my babies as they awake up to their beautiful Haiti sunrise, I know one thing for certain ... I am one day closer to being the mother of three precious children!

Why We're Blogging

Lexi and I spent our summer at an orphanage in Haiti. While we were there, I had the opportunity to blog about our experiences, share photos, etc. I got used to it, and started to enjoy it actually. Ever since I returned, I have missed writing and sharing my thoughts and perspectives and thought what better way to continue such a thing than to start our own blog?? I had to be "somewhat careful" as the blog I was posting on this summer was not my own ... so look out, now that I am on my own! I don't know how many people will end up reading this and it doesn't really matter to me ... I am just looking forward to writing and sharing and keeping it as a journal of our experiences. I plan to share many stories and photos from our summer and previous trips to Haiti as well as sharing our adoption story as it unfolds. In the summer of 2008, Lexi and I spent a little time in Haiti at the Cabaret Baptist Children's Home. It was Lexi's first visit, my second. (I returned again in November with a friend, before Lexi and I returned again for summer 09). It was during that visit last summer that we met a precious little boy named Dourison. We fell in love with Him instantly and in no time at all, God confirmed to me in many ways that one day, Dourison would come home to live with us.

We had so looked forward to spending our summer with him (amongst 40some other children), but little did we know that God had more in mind for us. Only a few days into our trip, we fell head over heals in love with an adorable little girl named Emily.

Before leaving Haiti, I was able to meet with a lawyer there, Dourison's birth parents, etc and move them both to a different orphanage to start our adoption process. Since being home, the Lord has been fabulous and faithful and made the impossible seem possible over and over again. We just recently moved into a home that He not only drove me to, but provided the loan that was, in this world, impossible ... we serve a truly amazing Father! We can't wait until our children get to come be a part of our family.